Notes From the Back of the Medication Line

Notes from the back of the medication line, straight up, no juice chaser, by a mental health professional who has seen the madness, defined the madness and lived to tell the tales, sanity intact.

Name:
Location: back of the line

I am what I am.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Send A Message To Bobble Head Bush

When the man posing as president comes on your television tonight, please refrain from all spitting, cursing, or throwing your Doc Martens through the screen. Walk calmly to the telly, look sideways/directly into his beady little eyes and chant, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to listen to you anymore!" Then go back to the La-z-boy and tune into someone a bit more higher functioning-like Stewie from Family Guy.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Beats A Baker's Dozen

Lucky Dozen Prisoners To Get Conjugal Visits
Reuters-Twelve exemplary inmates at Beijing Women's Prison will be allowed to celebrate Chinese New Year with 24-hour conjugal visits from their husbands, according to the Xinhua news agency. "The prison authorities said they will select one woman with exemplary behavior from each of the prison's 12 units to enjoy the special treatment," Xinhua said, adding that it was the first time conjugal visits had been allowed at the prison. The prison had 12 standard guest rooms with separate bathrooms, double beds and "other necessary facilities for the special day." But a Beijing News commentary questioned the legal basis of the move, because conjugal visits are not covered in the law. "If the 24-hour visit is recognized as extending care to female prisoners, then the prison authorities should offer the same treatment to all inmates, not just 12 of them," it said. The commentary also warned the prison of unexpected pregnancies. Beijing Women's Prison is the only one of its kind in the city, with 900 prisoners. Chinese New Year this year falls on January 29.
eV comments: Hey, after all it is the year of the dog! It does give new meaning to that whole 'rewarding good behavior' view.

Saving a Locked Unit Bed for...

Phil Spector: Famous record producer, infamous gun slinger gone very, very mad. (Now looking like a blond Edward Scissorhand on crack). Long psychiatric/psycho history with women/weapons. Awaiting trial for the 2003 murder of B-movie actress (isn't that like home movies that ya get paid for?)/star-fly, Lana Clarkson. In a recently released deposition for a civil case, Phil admits to being on five medications for manic depression and sleep problems, but denies any excessive drinking or drugs use the night of the shooting. He blames his confusion that night on being tased by the police and being off his medications. Room him on all male unit on the VIP wing. When MJ returns, room with Phil so that their hair and makeup guy can do their ebony/ivory versions of the same hairdo in one room.

Don't Take it Personal:Quirky Personal Ads

Woman Seeking Woman
Are there any BUTCHES out there?
I am just about to give up butches all together! Hello? Is anyone out there? I can't help myself - butches/studs are so very hot! Personally, I am tired of all the tweeners, sporty girls, femmes, high femmes, and women that don't realize that they are high-femme. I am NOT looking for a relationship. I would like some fun dates/dinners or quiet evenings in with someone new. I prefer butch tops, but I know that those are even harder to find! I know all the posts on here are anti-butch so I am hoping that means there are a few single butches hanging around ***** somewhere. I LOVE older women - prefer over 30 and am VERY attracted to butches in their early 40's. I don’t know if anyone is out there. PLEASE feel free to contact me and we will take it from there! Maybe all the butches have migrated elsewhere and I am just talking to myself.
eV comments: Isn't that a song line? Where have all the butches gone? Long time passing. Let’s see…Rosie is off the market, Melissa E. is still with her sweet young hanger-on, Oprah is taken…(You know Gail has that locked up! Get the feeling I’m NOT feelin Oprah?)…So what’s a fem- seeking butch to do? Well you could hook up with a dl man and pretend to be happily married while seeking same sex relationships for the two of you. Sorry, I forgot, Star Jones already did that.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Okra, Okra, Okra!

Oprah as the 'Clean-Up Woman'

So, 'O' were you embarrassed before or after you made the supportive call on the Larry King show? Did you fire the producers of the Frey story? Did Stedman have to sleep in the other room? Well, since that is his bedroom, guess that doesn't count. Did you cry to Gail about your shame during your nightly calls? Did you feel that people were laughing at you ? Well, you got that right, we were! The Billion Dollar Baby got knocked out by a $2 addict. Although you should, get credit for rehabbing his checking account.

Gay Guy Goes Straight...

To Jail that Is
First Survivor, Richard Hatch, went directly to jail to await sentencing for failing to pay TaxDaddy! Wonder if he'll be so quick to run naked with the boys in the big house? Hear that the treasure hunts are a little more challenging. Survive that!

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

“I'll quit coffee. It won't be easy drinking my Bailey's straight, but I'll get used to it. It'll still be the best part of waking up.”
~Megan Mullally

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Yeah I Said It! And You Thought It

eV whispers,(because I’m p.c. and sensitive): SEEN IN LINE TODAY was the ghost of Chris Penn seeking drug rehab. Will room him with John Belushi and Chris Farley on the locked isolation (aka twilight zone) unit, where endless loops of SNL play on and on…And the “lines” are endless.

THIS WEEK'S VILLAGE IDIOT

Man Tries To Scare Hiccups Out Of Nephew, Kills Him Uncle Commits Suicide After Realizing What He Did
BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters)-- A Colombian man who tried to startle his nephew from a bout of the hiccups by pointing a gun at him accidentally pulled the trigger and killed him. Police in the northern city of Barranquilla said the distraught uncle then ran out of the house and down the street a few yards before stopping and shooting himself. He died from a gunshot wound in the head. According to police, the incident occurred Sunday night after the two men had been drinking.
eV comments: Technically it did cure his hiccups. Didn't do much for the morning after hangover though. If the uncle had lived, I'm sure he could have perfected this slight flaw in his cure process. Good theory, poor technique.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Holy Bat(2)Man!

Size Does Matter in Bats' Evolution
By WILLIAM KATES, Associated Press
For some male bats, sexual prowess comes with a price - smaller brains. A research team led by Syracuse University biologist Scott Pitnick found that in bat species where the females are promiscuous, the males boasting the largest testicles also had the smallest brains. Conversely, where the females were faithful, the males had smaller testes and larger brains. "It turns out size does matter," said Pitnick, whose findings were published in December in "Proceedings of the Royal Society: Biological Science," an online journal. The study offers evidence that males -at least in some species - make an evolutionary trade-off between intelligence and sexual prowess, said David Hoskens, a biologist at the Centre for Ecology and Conservation at the University of Exeter in England and a leading authority on bats' mating behavior. "Bats invest an enormous amount in testis, and the investment has to come from somewhere. There are no free lunches," said Hoskens, who did not participate in the study. The relationship between the breeding system and relative brain size has received little investigation, said Pitnick, who teaches evolution and population biology and researches topics such as sexual selection and sexual conflict. Bats are the second largest group of mammals (behind rodents) with about 1,000 known species. Because of their exceptional navigational and flying abilities, bats have been the subject of countless studies, providing Pitnick and his colleagues -Kate Jones of Columbia University and Gerald Wilkinson of the University of Maryland -with a bounty of data without having to slink off into caves. Pitnick's team looked at 334 species of bats and found a convincing contrast in testes size. In species with monogamous females, males had testes starting at 0.11 percent of their body weight and ranging up to 1.4 percent. But in species where the females had a large number of mates, Pitnick found testes ranged from 0.6 percent to 8.5 percent of the males' mass (in the Rafinesque's big-eared bat). "If female bats mate with more than one male, a sperm competition begins," Pitnick said. "The male who ejaculates the greatest number of sperm wins the game, and hence many bats have evolved outrageously big testes. "Promiscuity is known to make a difference in testicle size in some other mammals. For example, chimpanzees are promiscuous and have testicles that are many times larger than those of gorillas, in which a single dominant male has exclusive access to a harem of females. Large brains, meanwhile, are metabolically costly to develop and maintain. Pitnick's research suggested that in those bat species with promiscuous females, the male's body used more of its energy to enhance the testes -giving it the greater adaptive advantage- and lacked the energy it needed to further develop the brain. The study found that in more monogamous species, the average male brain size was about 2.6 percent of body weight, while in promiscuous species, the average size dipped to 1.9 percent.
eV comments: A lot of women already suspected this about another mammal species before this study!

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

"Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken."
~Isabel Allende

Monday, January 23, 2006

Butt Out!

Reunited and it feels so good, NOT!
Amy Fisher
, Joey, and former wife Mary Jo Buttafuocos, are reuniting after 10 years in order to try and sell their story to a yet to be determined television network. We know this story: Joey is slime. Mary Jo lost what little mind Amy didn't blow away. (Why else does one still keep the bloodied blouse and display it on a national talk show?). Joey was slime. Amy married a man old enough to be her dad/or Joey the slime, had plastic surgery (facial), and a couple of kids. Joey is still slime.
And now we know the rest of the story: They are all very desperate, very insane, and very, very broke. Go away!

Porno? Oh No!

Google vs the Feds
First they came for the Democrats, then they came for the terrorists, and now they're coming for all you internet porno site viewers. They say it's to protect your children...Something tells me it may be the 12.5 billion that the industry made last year. Can we say morality tax? You've got to pay to play, so bend over and take it like a sex-crazed man...

Sunday, January 22, 2006

American Idles

What matters most to Americans?
55 million tuned in to American Idol this week. Wonder how many of those viewers are aware that we reached 2,424 coalition deaths, that 14 miners lost their lives in the past month, Bin Laden resurfaced after 13 months, and Turkey reported at least four deaths from the H5N1 strain of bird flu this month? Probably just one...And we wonder why Johnny can't read.

One Man's Pee Pee is Another Man's Art

Peeing in public is performance art, artist argues
Associated Press
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - Is it a sprinkle or a tinkle? Danish artist Uwe Max Jensen has been fined about $165 for peeing in public. But Jensen denies the allegation. He says what he did was a performance art piece.
He claims he just pretended to pee against a wall, by squirting water from a plastic bag. The court ruled it's not necessary to prove whether he urinated or just sprinkled water. In any case, the court says Jensen's behavior was "obscene" and illegal.

Love IS a Hurting Thing

Copyright 2006 Newsday Inc.
Betty Basile's stabbing of her longtime partner had brought Josephine Romanzi perilously close to death. But when the victim stood facing her attacker yesterday in a Mineola courtroom, Romanzi had only words of encouragement for the woman who almost took her life. "You know who you are," Romanzi said to Basile just a few feet away from where Basile sat handcuffed awaiting her sentencing. "You can still turn it around. You can still be the person I met, OK?" Basile nodded, her face quivered, and then she broke down. "All you had to say to me [before the attack] was 'I'm in trouble' and I would have done anything," a weeping Romanzi told her partner of 24 years, referring to the financial dispute that led to the attack last April. Then she added that she was speaking to Basile publicly because she wasn't permitted to visit her. That prompted Acting Supreme Court Justice William Donnino, who issued an order of protection keeping Basile away from Romanzi, to note that it was clear that "her desire is inconsistent with the order." After consulting with prosecutor Barbara Kornblau, he amended it to allow the women to visit while Basile is in prison for the 6-year sentence he imposed. Basile pleaded guilty last December to attempted murder and first-degree assault. The two women ran a Hicksville counseling agency and were known as "Joi Eden" and "Betty Sun." Romanzi, 59, was hurt so badly that she said yesterday she "died twice" during surgery and has permanent injuries. Romanzi said she was stunned by the attack and had fought to stay alive during the stabbing because "I didn't want my murder on her soul." She asked for leniency for her former partner, saying "I hope she gets the help she needs." Basile, 57, apologized to Romanzi and her own family, who attended the sentencing, saying, "If I could turn back time ... I can assure you I would ... I can only imagine the shame, hurt and pain I have caused all of you." Then, she turned to Romanzi and asked her to "not forget the years and the good times we had." Basile's attorney, Eugene Cordaro, said it was still a "mystery" why Basile, a community activist who taught t'ai chi ch'uan and advocated New Age practices that led to "serenity," had snapped. He said she had suffered from unspecified physical issues. Kornblau called the stabbing a "vicious and brutal attack." She said Basile stabbed Romanzi in the Levittown home they shared with Basile's parents, also trying to smother her with a towel.
eV comments: I'm taking bets...You know they'll be back together after she gets out. And that unspecified physical issue-would that be the dreaded menopause, or the hysteria inducing hysterectomy? Maybe she was just CRAZY!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Liar, Liar, Set Your Size 3X Pants on Fire!

Lie of the year so far?
Just when I thought I could avoid talking about Star Jones-Reynolds, new excerpts from her book just made me drop and roll. Mrs Al Reynolds now says the most she ever weighed was 250 lbs. I bet that when she weighed 300 plus pounds she still had 155 lbs on her driving license. All overweight people have had at least one license that said 155 lbs, no matter what their weight! And to add to the big lie, Star says she lost the bulk of her weight by doing eight weeks of boot camp workouts and pilates! Yeah, right! The truth is she could have been the first black teletubby, Sta-Sta.

SEEN IN LINE TODAY

Ray Nagin: Mayor of the 'not so new anymore' New Orleans, who on MLK's b-day called all the brothers/sisters back home to the "chocolate city." May-day Mayor! They're starting to question your sanity. Besides any old P-Funk fans know that the original Chocolate C-Tay was D.C. according to George Clinton and Bootsy Collins, circa 1975. Ray, you're in luck-I still got that vinyl and will be playing it for ya during recreational therapy. If ya hear any noise it's just me and the boys...

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

FUNNY FONE FORUMS

From this week's favorite cellphone web forum:
If there was a warning label attached to your head what would it say?
~Caution! You must be at least 5 feet 8 to ride this ride.
~Not intended for use as toy.
~May cause drowsiness.
~Check Pockets B4 Ending Conversation.
~Changes mind without notice.
~Pamper,primp,repeat.
~Misuse can lead to injury or death.
~This side up.
~Allergic to BS
~Excessive consumption may cause addiction.

IF THESE ARE THE HEADLINES WHAT THE HELL IS THE STORY?

Real Newspaper Headlines
~Tot’s Doll Reveals Thong Surprise
~Fetishes On Parade
~Woman Walks To Hospital With Bullet In Head
~Scientists Recruit Wasps For War On Terror
~A Conversation With Burt Bacharach

Monday, January 16, 2006

Dead Man Rolling

You're Never Too Old to Die
Clarence Ray Allen, 76, and wheelchair bound will more than likely be put to death by lethal injection early Tuesday. No Snoop Dog, no Jessie Jackson, no nothing. Allen was convicted of ordering the 1980 murders of three people in Fresno -- Bryon Schletewitz, 27, Josephine Rocha, 17, and 18-year-old Douglas White -- while serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison for ordering an earlier killing. One of his lawyer's arguments was that the execution of Allen -- who has heart disease and diabetes, among other health problems -- creates a spectacle because he will be wheeled in and carried to the table, all the while unable to even see those who have come to witness his execution. And their point is? Fill out a complaint card and keep him moving. They ought to kill him for playing the Indian race card. Wonder if he will be allowed to wear the beaded headband? He stated in an earlier interview that he will see the victims in the afterlife and explain to them that he never plotted to harm them and never wanted them harmed. Oops! So I offer a solution for Mr Allen's dilemma: Have all the victim's family members press really close to the glass and shout really loud, "Can you see me now?"

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

“If Bush Is Right, Martin Luther King Jr. Was Wrong”
~Peter Johnson

“Women, if the soul of the nation is to be saved, I believe that you must become its soul.”
~Coretta Scott King

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Don't Take it Personal:Quirky Personal Ads

Woman Seeking Man
Black Woman, 38 Seeks a One-Sided Open Kinky LTR
I am seeking a LTR with a guy who is cute, sexy, smart and sane. Who loves his girl to be with other men. 5'4 brown eyes very cute, sexy, funny, intelligent and passionate. You must be successful and a man with a lots of power. Be witty, attractive, tall, black or white. Someone who really gets turned on by knowing that while you are at work making money to support us, and to give me anything that I want, (to ensure that I am happy), that I might be with another man. You know how lucky you are to have a woman like me in you life-someone who loves you as much as I do. But when lunch times comes, I might be with another man. I may not have an early meeting. At dinner, you are so hot you really need to know if some other man has had your sweet treat. Want to know more send a pic. No game player, this is for real. I am looking for the guy who gets hot by this kind of life.
eV comments: Saving a bed on the unit for her AND all you men thinking how kinky and great this might be. Early borderline warning...

Law and Disorder: Who's Packing?

Town Law: All Must Carry a Condom
The townspeople of Tulua, Colombia might want to start cleaning out their wallets soon. A member of the town council is proposing a new law that would require everyone--men, women and visitors age 14 and over--to carry at least one condom with them at all times to reduce unwanted pregnancies and curb sexually transmitted diseases, reports The Associated Press. If the law passes, anyone who is caught without a condom could be fined $180 or ordered to take a safe sex class. "Sexual relations are going on constantly," councilman William Pena told AP. "If you carry a condom, chances are you'll use it during the day. It's not going to be there forever." Tulua, which is 150 miles southwest of Bogata, has one of the country's highest rates of HIV infection. Pena's proposal will be debated by the town leaders and could become law by March. Meanwhile, the Roman Catholic priests in the Tulua are livid, especially since even they would be forced to carry a condom. They object to the law because they believe it will encourage sexual relations. "Nobody can force someone to carry a condom in their pocket," the Rev. Roberto Sarmiento told AP. "They should instead carry the responsibility of what sexual relations mean."
eV comments: Are priests having sex now? When did that happen? Will they need a special pocket sewn into those robes?

Answering the Unasked

She's Bacccck!
No, I was not hospitalized! Not on time out. Was not sent to my room. This is my room...Took a trip. In a car. For those of us who remember when that meant something else. Did I miss anything?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

It's A Mad, Mad Hollyweird World

Relationship Throwbacks
Brad and Angelina: The new Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Adopt a dozen and have one of your own, and then he marries the 'not really his daughter' that always wanted to stick it to the mother.
Eminem and his ex-wife (aka by various slurs and a particular body part)Kim: The new Liz Tayolr and Richard Burton with the drugs, alcohol, and physical fights, followed immediately by furniture-breaking sex. Hmm...Before you say that's not so bad, remember he's dead and she's almost dead and crazy!

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.”
~Mae West

True Lies: A Million Little Pieces of Scam

Oprah takes one for the team/the pocket book-well, Prada bag...
The October 26, 2005 Oprah show was titled, The Man who Kept Oprah Awake at Night (we knew Stedman wasn't all that exciting), that man was recovered addict, James Frey. By now most of you outside the substance abuse field have read this book/memoir/rag that sold over 3.5millionn copies, second only to Harry Potter Inc. last year. Well, The Smoking Gun outted him for all the "embellishments" and other distorted facts that were "blurred" due to his substance use. So there he sat on Larry King with his mama-who looked lik she has a few under her belt for a number of years and Oprah rings in. She wants us to know that despite all the uproar and the fact that she helped ya'll fall for another addict scam, the fact that some people were helped by this book should be the important thing to keep in mind. So don't sweat the truth people; just keep buying Jame's and Oprah's books. But I tell you this-no one is going to buy the next book Frey has just written. Not even Oprah. (click on title to go to the smoking gun article)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

THIS WEEK'S VILLAGE IDIOT

Police in a Vancouver suburb reminded residents it was not a good idea to play with a loaded gun while using the bathroom, after a man accidentally shot himself. A 21-year-old North Vancouver man was facing numerous weapons charges after he shot off one of his fingers while apparently playing with a gun on New Year's Day, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. "Perhaps, our mothers never explained to us that it was not a good idea to play with handguns whilst using the restroom. But then again, maybe that was supposed to be a given," the Mounties said in a press release.

Early Mental Health Issues Warning

Sharon Rocha: We all agree that it was a living nightmare played out publicly but now we have Mrs. Rocha on every talk show hawking her book, For Laci: A Mother's Story of Love, Loss, and Justice. (All profits from the book will go to charity.) I'm not saying she should get over it all; no way. But if she doesn't relax and take a psychological chill pill, she'll lose her mind and what happiness is left for her with the rest of her family. Don't want to see you in line...

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
~Dave Barry

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Saving a Locked Unit Bed for...

Jamie Foxx: Lip-synced while acting like Ray Charles; now acting like a singer. When he runs out of REAL superstars to sing for, and over him on the next album, he'll come running to the back of the medication line. There is none so blind than one who cannot see that he should keep his FIRST day job! Oh, and stop trying to act like you love 'thick women' like Oprah when everyone we see you with is much lighter in skin color and weight! Although he is quite delusional, his bed will be on the eating disorder unit so that he can be in the thin and thick of it with women of all sizes. Real thin women to whine over him... Big gals to crush him and his CD's.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Good: Sharon won't wake-up
Bad: Cheney won't go permanently to sleep
Ugly: Con-Gore-Rill-a Rice . Oh, yeah-she would be your next Vice Preez...Butt -ugly

You're Scaring Me!

Woman Who Died in '03 Left in Front of TV
By TERRY KINNEY, Associated Press Writer, Jan 10, 5:14 AM ET
The mummified body of a woman who didn't want to be buried was found in a chair in front of her television set 2 1/2 years after her death, authorities said. Johannas Pope had told her live-in caregiver that she didn't want to be buried and planned on returning after she died, Hamilton County Coroner O'Dell Owens said Monday. Pope died in August 2003 at age 61. Her body was found last week in the upstairs of her home on a quiet street. Some family members continued to live downstairs, authorities said. No one answered the doorbell at Pope's home Monday afternoon. It could take weeks to determine Pope's cause of death because little organ tissue was available for testing, Owens said. An air conditioner had been left running upstairs, and that allowed the body to slowly mummify, he said. The machine apparently stopped working about a month ago, and the body began to smell. "Standing outside, one could smell death," Owens said. Police went to the house last Wednesday after receiving a call from a relative who hadn't seen Pope in years. They found a staircase behind a door blocked by a basket and climbed to the second floor, where they found the body. It was not clear if any crimes were committed, Owens said. Authorities did not identify the caregiver, a woman in her 40s who apparently lived in the home with Pope, Pope's daughter and her 3-year-old granddaughter. "The caregiver is not someone you'd think was from another planet or really seems off the wall — (she's) a pretty normal kind of person," he said. "But I think out of loyalty, friendship and love of her friend, (she) decided to keep the body at home."
eV comments: Pardon me while I go arrange my mummified friends in the living room. It's almost time for The View.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Yeah I Said It! And You Thought It

Who Moved My Brain?
Aight! Lets be very honest-it is highly improbable that all our newsworthy men guesting under medically-induced comas will ever wake up. More than likely they will end up as 'coneheads', if they don't die in the very near future. This day by day they're coming out of it and going back to life almost as usual spiel is very misleading. You'll be lucky to see either of these folks working the counter at 7/11.

INTERESTING INTERNET INJECTIONS

Saddam's Lesser-Known Relatives
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:
Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

More Lip Service From Arnold

Schwarzenegger Hurt in Motorcycle Mishap
The California Gov (who sounded like a girly-man during his State of the State speech/Beg You to Reelect Me Whine), was on his Harley with son in side car when he suffered minor cuts and bruises yesterday in L.A. Arnold required 15 stitches in his lip. Like he needs another speech impediment. Like we need to hear more mumbling from him. Hey Arnold! Speak English!

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

White people scare the crap out of me... I have never been attacked by a black person, never been evicted by a black person, never had my security deposit ripped off by a black landlord, never had a black landlord... never been pulled over by a black cop, never been sold a lemon by a black car salesman, never seen a black car salesman, never had a black person deny me a bank loan, never had a black person bury my movie, and I've never heard a black person say: We're going to eliminate ten thousand jobs here— have a nice day!”
~Michael Moore

Sunday, January 08, 2006

eV's TOP 5

Top Five Notes Left by the Dying Sago Miners
5. Those union dues and benefits are looking real good about now.
4. Sleeping miners in mirror are more dead than they appear.
3. I should have completed high school and not married my first cousin.
2. McCloy stole air from the others.
1. At least I didn't die from that damn black lung disease thing like daddy and grandpa.

Answering the Unasked

Hilary Clinton will never leave Bill. He may be a freak, but he's her freak. And a freak that you can hold a conversation with afterwards is every woman's dream partner. That is if they're honest.

Answer Me This...

From someone's bumper...
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Four Religious Truths

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

Please Don't Squeeze the Charmin and the Cash

Suspected Counterfeiters Clog Toilet
Fri Jan 6, 10:34 PM ET (AP)
Two people suspected of counterfeiting money spent at least a week relieving themselves in plastic shopping bags, because the plumbing stopped working in their apartment when they flushed wads of suspected fake cash down the toilet, authorities said. Selina Jean Valdez, 28, was arrested Thursday on a warrant for forgery, possession of forgery instruments and criminal mischief. Her suspected partner Daniel Marquez, 41, is wanted on the same charges. The two are suspected of running a low-tech counterfeiting operation, using a combination printer-scanner-copier and a personal computer to make fake $50 and $100 bills, detectives said. Investigators said they think Marquez and Valdez flushed wads of the counterfeit money down the toilet on Dec. 26 when detectives tried to question the two suspects. The rental duplex where Valdez and Marquez were staying was discovered flooded with sewage
eV comments: Here's a hint Selina: Next time take one of the fake bills and buy a shredder and a thinking partner. Charge her with being stupid and very nasty.

SEEN IN LINE TODAY

Star Jones-Reynolds:Body Dysmorphic Disorder (A preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance whereby the person’s concern is markedly excessive.) Secondary disorder: 'Knows every damn thingitis'.
Finally admits to “medical intervention” for her weight loss. Did they factor in the ‘hydrocephalic –like head on little body look’? Not yet willing to admit that hubby Al spent more than one summer on Fire Island, with more than one man. What an interesting coupling. Some have even called them the black David Gest and Liza Minnelli. He might be trying on her new smaller dresses while she's spouting her Views! Currently she's subjecting us to a new book about 'living ya best girlfriend life' called Shine.
Note to self: Room Star with Terri McMillian who continues with treatment in lieu of getting her heterosexual groove back. Star may benefit from any advice Ms. McMillian may offer for checking a brother's down low status. In fact, Oprah may want to sit in on their chats. Medicate Stedman.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Sociopath Watch: Boy, 12, Charged in Arson Death

Mamma Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Arsonists
(01-05) 09:08 PST JONAS, Pa. (AP) --
A 12-year-old boy was charged as an adult with homicide and arson for allegedly setting a house fire that killed his 11-year-old cousin, state police said. Police said Djinn Buckingham told them he spilled tiki torch fuel in a hallway outside the girl's room and lit the fire with matches, according to a police affidavit. He said he thought he put the fire out, then went downstairs before hearing screams, the affidavit said. Sierra Carranza died in the Dec. 9 fire in Polk Township, in east-central Pennsylvania. Her mother, her siblings and Buckingham escaped. Michael Mancuso, a Monroe County assistant district attorney, said it wasn't clear why the boy allegedly started the fire, although he added that Buckingham and the girl apparently had argued earlier.
eV comments: I think I want to adopt him...

Answer Me This...

A lightning strike from above ought to do it...
When will ‘divine judgment’ finally silence televangelist Pat Robertson?

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
~Rodney Dangerfield

Jesus! Another Gin n Juice Story?

"Jesus Juice" Down the Drain
Poor MJ, they tried to market wine in his unholy image. Check out the link to The Smoking Gun page and see MJ 'hanging out' on the cross-dying to set all the little (male) children free. Right.
(click title to link to page)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Home Alone 4:Clueless in Las Vegas

So we're all very upset over the CA father and stepmother who left their two children home alone while they took in the New Year Viva Las Vegas-style. But what you may not know is that the father and his wife (the children's mother is deceased), recently bought each other new puppies that they left in the care of the wife's mother to babysit while they were in Vegas! Ok. Let me see, leave an autistic five year-old and his nine year-old brother alone with cereal and microwave dinners while the puppies get direct parental supervision. Gamble on the lives of your kids? Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Do not breathe!

Don't Take it Personal:Quirky Personal Ads

Man Seeking Woman
You are not a slut; you just appreciate sensual pleasure...
If you relate to what I'm saying, maybe we'll relate.
I've been ... a good boy lately... I haven't hooked up in over 4 months. Where did that get me? So I'm pretty sure I'm not rusty- but I know I'm clean - and disciplined when I want to be. Now I just want something fun. I will not go back to the one night stand thing...that was really unsatisfying. I want to have many one night stands with the same girl. I do not want a typical relationship (at least right now) --I do not want a cold unfriendly sex thing either. I want to enjoy the TENDER way we look into each other's eyes at night---the best part of an intimate relationship- without all the stress, without all the STUFF.
eV comments: Dude, You want the best without all the STUFF? Then get the life-like blow up doll and call it a day! Sensual sluts require much more work. Tenderly submitted, eV.


Early Mental Health Issues Warning

Lindsay Lohan: Perhaps jailed Dad isn't the only dysfunctional family member. The weird biographical cd, the recent anorexic admission, and the current hospitalization for an after party 'asthma attack' are clear red flags. Next we can look forward to seeing her nude in Vanity Fair magazine ala Marilyn Monroe, (according to Lohan). Um, Lindsay might want to read up on how that Monroe chick ended up, ya think?

THIS WEEK'S VILLAGE IDIOT

Artist Binds Feet in Desert, Loses Key
By Associated Press
January 4, 2006, 3:09 PM EST
BAKER, Calif. -- An artist who chained his legs together to draw a picture of the image hopped 12 hours through the desert after realizing he lost the key and couldn't unlock the restraints, authorities said Wednesday.Trevor Corneliusien, 26, tightly wrapped and locked a long, thick chain around his bare ankles Tuesday while camping in an abandoned mine shaft about five miles north of Baker, San Bernardino County sheriff's Deputy Ryan Ford said."It took him over 12 hours because he had to hop through boulders and sand," Ford said. "He did put on his shoes before hopping."The artist, who is from the area, often sketched images inside mines in the Southwest. He had finished his drawing Tuesday when he realized he didn't have the key.Corneliusien finally made it to a gas station and called the sheriff's department, which sent paramedics and deputies with bolt cutters. His legs were bruised but he was otherwise in good health, Ford said.The artist did not have a listed phone number and could not be reached for comment.And the drawing?"He brought it down with him," Ford said. "It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped around your legs."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

PETA's Latest Chicken Little Dance

The Chickens are dying! The Chickens are Dying!
Just when I was finally getting less hostile over the PETA ad campaign comparing animal cruelty to slavery, one of their staffers goes way off the chain and legally changes his name to KentucyFriedCruelty.com! Check out the site and the 'explicit' Pamela Anderson video. (No, Tommy Lee is not seen in this video doing the naked chicken dance; that was their other video.) Also, they have interesting resource titles such as, Meet your Meat, (No, I will not make another Tommy reference!),
and The Hidden Lives of Chicken! Who knew? Along with the usual blah,blah,blah on cruelty to chickens and other animals, PETA tells us that, "KFC has a responsibility to ensure that the chickens raised for its buckets are protected from the worst cruelities." Don't believe the hype. The only responsibility that KFC has is to stop reheating the honey barbeque wings as they become horribly crunchy and burnt tasting. That's cruelty! I'll forgive them if they throw in an extra biscuit. Bad enough they stopped giving ya that honey packet...
(click on title to link to site)

NOTABLE QUOTABLES

“May you - Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no-one is watching, screw like it's being filmed, and drink like a true Irishman”
~Anonymous Toast quotes

Answer Me This...

To the guy seen at the supermarket buying the $9 bouquet:
If with six you get egg rolls, what exactly does one get for giving a woman the generic wrap $9 grade 'B' flowers? Line forms to the left ladies! No pushing, no shoving! I just know that on the first date he's pulling out that two-fer coupon at the Sizzler.

Monday, January 02, 2006

FUNNY FONE FORUMS

From this week's favorite cellphone web forum...
List the things that would make you want to say to someone that's interested in you, Don't talk to me if...
*You think that Confessions of a Video Vixen was an intellectual book.
*You're living anywhere that you still have to write your name on the juice in the fridge.
*You call my phone talking about, "Who is Diz?" Uh, Uh!
*Ya toe nails are clawing the pavement. Don't talk, get a pedicure!
*You got your eyebrows drawn on looking like two leeches sucking the blood outta your forehead. Don't say nothing to me.
*I can't tell which eye is looking at me when we're staring eye to eye, don't look at me or talk to me.
*You ain't got no job, no education, and no money because you're waiting for your music career to take off.
*You got kids my age? Please don't talk to me. Accept your mid-life crisis.
*You're missing teeth. Don't talk to me. Talk to a dentist!
*You're a man with fingernails longer than mine, we can't talk,ever.
*You've watched the R Kelly porn video so much, you know what's gonna happen next before it happens, we can never talk.
*Your lips are black from smoking blunts...Get the hell outta here!
*You're a grown man that loves singing Christina Aguilar hits...Ummm don't talk to me.
*You got more goals than achievements.
*You don't have a bank account and still going to the check cashing place, but you're driving a BMW. Don't bother, I'm not laying up with you in mamma's basement.

Saving a Locked Unit Bed for...

Dave Chappelle: Still refusing to return the $50 million after succumbing to reefer madness.
Jennifer Aniston: Get over him already! Brad is never coming back. He now resides on Planet Jolie where unmarried people adopt each other's kids and pretend to be truly concerned about third world refugees. (Its a very small world, after all.) Your bible verse/new age mantra: No Pitt in 2006.

Sociopath Watch: Scott Peterson

Law and Disorder
The parents of condemned murderer Scott Peterson have hired two big time lawyers to begin his appeals. Scott's father stated that since his son was innocent, they don't want him sitting there any longer than he has to! O.k., this is a familiar tune from his family. My question is, why would you hire the attorneys that represented the Menendez brothers? Not like the Menedez bros are walking among us. But then I guess that beats a Dead Man Walking...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

SEEN IN LINE TODAY

Direct from the most recent VH1's Celebrity Fit Club:
Young MC: Bustin a big move at 278lbs.
Countess Vaughn: After having plastic surgery on her booty, (o.k.), and hoping to drop it like it's hot, weighing 130lbs at 4' 11''.
Chastity Bono: Cher's not so little girl-boi pushing up on the scales at 215lbs.
Tempestt Bledsoe: Cobsy's kid did well-NYU Finance degree and all. Proud she never did had a drug or alcohol addiction, she failed to realize she had a food issue. Put down the samm-itch honey, you weigh 181lbs!
All are admitted to the eating disorder unit. Note to self: If Oprah is still on the unit she will NOT be allowed to discuss any weight issues with these clients. Medicate Stedman. Buy extra wide, strongly supported beds. Encourage Slim-fast.

Another Sign You've Gotten Older

You wake up one day and realize that you've gone from the 'husky' jeans to the 'relaxed' Levis of the boot cut style, and you don't have ANY boots!

What the Heck is a Blog?

For all my friends, family and others...
So that we may all be on the same page this year here is the official description of da blog: Blog is short for weblog. A weblog is a journal (or newsletter) that is frequently updated and intended for general public consumption. Blogs generally represent the personality of the author or the Web site.
Aight? So now that we have an understanding lets get this party started!